I feel as if I have died and come into a new life. 

What was so easy, limited to those blue and gray walls of the typical small country town high school has turned into a vast uncertainty of individuality. Hours upon hours, I spend in isolation, mentally and physically. I long for the memories of past friendships and relationships, awestruck at the simplicity of it all. How easy it was to waste hours before a football game with nothing but friends and food. How simple it was to kiss you and not question the fragility of our future together. How I miss being so naive and blind to the hurricane that was coming.

Sure there would be isolated days when I was there, but they were seldom compared to the overwhelming nothing that is right now. Even in those secluded moments, I could find you and be okay. It's just weird to think that I might not cross your mind anymore when at one point in time, you were all I thought about. 

And I'm okay now, honestly. I don't want you in my life anymore; in any shape or form. I do not hate for the purpose of sanity, but you are the furthest thing from my desire anymore. To treat a human so boldly harsh and expect them to come back like a lost puppy is stupid and selfish, and I would rather spend a lifetime in isolation than ever let you hurt me again. It's just a thing that crosses my mind every now and then. I hope for your well being, for your success. I wouldn't ever hate you. I couldn't.

It just gets tiring, you know? I'm a good person. I try to make peace with all of my demons and enemies. I don't go out of my way to cause stress or hatred. I'm just waiting for my sliver of happiness that the world has promised us all. But the fact of the matter is that the world is against us, and if we sit and wait for happiness to come, we're better off coming to terms with our inevitable isolation. 

I promise I don't mean to make all of these posts about you. It just kind of happens. 

My mom told me this was good for me because I could look back at all of my memories of college, but I think I like it because I know one day, I'll be looking back on my progress. 

I can't wait for that day when I look back in my thread and see the subtle change of diction. The moment that I stopped writing of sorrow and started illustrating the beauty in life. 

That's going to be a good day and I hope it comes soon.